the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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