I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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