now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
