saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
