No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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