I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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