If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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