Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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