What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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