so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
