woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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