Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
