i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
