remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
