if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
