You're completely useless in the revolution.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
