my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
