stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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