Jerry, you need to find god
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
