if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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