why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
