girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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