hotel room ftw
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
