I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
