I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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