6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
