so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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