Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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