Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
