I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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