i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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