I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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