i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Drunk is not a location!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
