i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
