What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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