my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You are the jesus of drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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