im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
