She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
