Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
