I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
