Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
