I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize