Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
