did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
