remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't put those talents on a resume
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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