Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he thought i was a dude.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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