Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
