Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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