i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
