The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
