so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
