I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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