I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
