youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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