I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
