The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
