I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
