So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
