Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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