A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
